When in the course of human events it becomes neccessary to bust a move, you gotta go for it (the preceding was a combination of the Abe Lincoln / Coolio philosophies). After much careful deliberation, I have come to a monumental decision: I would like to, at this time, announce my candidacy for the office of the President of the United States. My party, the Time Party (we chose this title because in the phone book it reads ‘Party, Time!”) will hold it’s convention within the next few weeks, at a location not yet disclosed, with funds not yet obtained, for a reason we’re not yet sure of. However, being that I am the candidate, I have obtained a copy of my acceptance speech (written on a paper bag with a crayon), which I reveal here:

“Good evening my fellow Americans, and the members of Congress who use them.  As we head down the final stretch of this year’s presidential election, we are accosted by a feeling: the feeling of driving the wrong way up a 3-lane off ramp of I-81. Approaching us, at high speed, are 3 vehicles: a tractor-trailer full of donkeys, and tractor-trailer full of elephants, and a minibus with “Reform Party” hand-painted on the side, driven by a guy who looks like Frank Perdue after an all-night college hazing ritual involving soaking for hours in a vat of Preparation-H.

“Not much of a choice, you say? I feel your pain. The donkey truck is a bit ahead of the others, but the elephant truck is moving the fastest.  Now, anyone who knows physics as well as I do knows it’s preferable to hit 5 tons of donkeys over 5 tons of elephants. Why? Because you can fit a LOT more dead donkeys in a bulldozer scoop than you can dead elephants, that’s why.   Any idiot knows that, which I’ve just proven.  No, wait... maybe elephants would be better. Yes, they would. I changed my mind there to prove a point- as President, I can change my mind as often as I damn well please.   Think about it- if the President of the United States can’t change his mind, who can??!! I do it for the little guys, cause I want their vote: guys like Paul WIlliams, Robert Reich, that little old dweeb with the Coke-bottle glasses who stands behind Dan Reeves on the Giants sidelines, etc. (Those guys have a lot less money/brains than most of us, but there are a lot more of them.)

“What are my qualifications? Over the past years, I have studied politics intensly. This includes endless hours of listening to Rush Limbaugh, Tom Leykis, Gordon Liddy and Oprah. I have learned one important thing: people don’t want decision makers- they want someone who can immediately sense when he’s in danger of losing the next election, and, at the drop of his pants, change his core values. They want ME!!! Now, you may say, “What are your core values?” Well, I have none, and that’s why this works. My platform is based on the concept of ‘no platform’. I’m blank, I’m malleable, I’m shapeable- I’m an empty RAM chip, just pulsating in anticipation of the public’s 2-million-per-second digital instructions. Tell me what you want- you’ll get it... or at least you think you’re getting it. You’ll never know the actuality of the process, and you don’t need to: trust me. Just trust me. This is a campaign based on trust. Your trust of me... not vice-versa. I don’t trust any of you any further than I can throw a boxcar, but that’s fine- my end of the bargin will be getting elected, flying in Airforce One, no more speeding tickets, satellite TV (at last!!!), endless babes, etc.

“So how can you help? Like this: I will create a new bureau, much like Americore, called The Whacky Planksters. And anyone can join- simply write down a core belief you think I should have, and BINGO! In fact, ‘bingo’ is a good suggestion (sorry if I just squelched Scranton South Side’s first 9,000 entries). Plus, I will pay $10.00(or cash equivalent*) for each belief I adopt. Beat that! (Actually ,you’ll be paying for it with tax dollars, but what did you expect?) The whole thing is very casual- write core beliefs down on old matchpacks , bar napkins, air sickness bags, tampon wrappings, whatever. You can make a difference, and a few bucks while you’re at it.

“Now, it’s on to the campaign trail, and then home to get our %@$#*&#%$ shineboxes!!!  God bless us all!!!!" <weeping>

*$10 cash equivalents include: 100 New York Jets season tickets, 1 gift certificate to the Kevorkian Clinic, the complete album collection of Dexy’s Midnight Runners, 150 2400-baud modems, 25 Southwestern Bell cordless phones, 1 Dakota/MCA recording deal or Trump Plaza.